I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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