I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
