a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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