He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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