I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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