i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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