She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
