My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
