I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
