his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
