I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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