You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
