I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
