She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
