Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize