Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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