i need an iv and a liver transplant
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
