I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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