Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
