my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
