It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
