i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
