oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
