I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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