this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
