I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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