just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
