Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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