Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
