tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
