i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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