There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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