Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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