WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
