when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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