He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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