so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i came on her dog
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
