When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
