Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
