I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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