So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
