Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
