Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
