it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
