we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
