i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
