that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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