I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that's an acceptable place to lick
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
