I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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