I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
