Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
