did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
