So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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