remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The air taste purple.
Randomize
