Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
