i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
