I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
