If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
