If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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