Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
