I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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