My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
