We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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