Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
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