Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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