someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize