every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
