She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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